Rolmfao !!!

[Cruelworld]

A single joke doesn't warrant it's own thread so feel free to add your latest and greatest here

I'll start off with something seasonal :P


21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas:
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.

[Harvez]

"Give it here!"
"No, its mine!"
"Let me have it"
"It's my turn"
"U had it last"
"**** off!"
"Come on gimme it."
"No way!"

.. Siamese twins havin a ***k!

[Diesel]

Originally Posted by Harvez

"Give it here!"
"No, its mine!"
"Let me have it"
"It's my turn"
"U had it last"
"**** off!"
"Come on gimme it."
"No way!"

.. Siamese twins havin a ***k!

crude and hilarious lol

[Cruelworld]

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed".

[sgll]

Originally Posted by Harvez

"Give it here!"
"No, its mine!"
"Let me have it"
"It's my turn"
"U had it last"
"**** off!"
"Come on gimme it."
"No way!"

.. Siamese twins havin a ***k!

haha made me chuckle lol

[Harvez]

A baby shark swimming up the coast asks his dad "why do we circle people in the water with our fins showing before we eat them? Why don't we just attack" . . . .. The wise old father said . . . "they taste better without the s**t inside them"


SEX AT 75!
I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox informing me that I can have sex at 75! I'm so happy because I live at 67 so its not far to walk home afterwards

[Cruelworld]

A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when
suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out 'Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!'
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity but obviously
not having any whips in hand, opens the window and in a flash of inspiration snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks 'Did you get these
marks having sex?' The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims,
'I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.'

[Cruelworld]

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass and the woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy."

The woman smiles and replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him, grins and says, "Pepper"

[tronsmith]

Anger. It's all the rage these days.

[Cruelworld]

John walks into work one morning and meets his mate Dave who is chuckling away to himself.

"What's so funny Dave?" he says.

"Well, I just had a Freudian slip" replies Dave.

"What's one of those?" asks John who is ignorant to such matters.

"Well", says Dave, "I was just thinking about my holidays as I ate breakfast this morning and I asked my wife to pass me the suntan lotion!!!. That's a Freudian slip!"

The next day John and Dave meet up as usual and this time John is the one with something funny on his mind.

"What's funny John?" asks Dave.

"Well", says John, "I had one of those Freudian slips this morning",

"Brilliant!" says Dave, "What did you say?".

"Well", says John, "I was just sitting down to breakfast this morning and I went to ask my wife to pass me the cornflakes, but instead I said you fu**ing bitch you've ruined my life!!"

[Larkino]

Saw this dickhead earlier...pissed out of his face.

[Kfchris1]

I'm fed up of every1 saying people who play call of duty don't have girlfriends...
I play call of duty and I have an amazing girlfriend
Her name is KillCh1ck we've never met but she has an awesome kill death ratio

[Kfchris1]

On the same topic...
I took my girlfriend to get the new call of duty game last night
But apparently I misunderstood the terms and conditions of the 'trade in'

[tronsmith]

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: Trying to pack myself into a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

[Harvez]

I was at a party last night...The DJ Played that song "Sit Down" by James...

So we all sat down...

He then played " Jump Around "

We all jumped around....

Then he put on.."Come on Eileen"

we got kicked out of the party.....

[sgll]

This new Call of Duty is brilliant.

I've already managed to mug 12 geeks queueing outside Gamestation.

[Harvez]

After Watching the Pakistan appeal on TV, my girlfriend said if i promised to pledge £2 she'd give me a blow job

I got my blow job,,.. and a nice shiny polished £2 coin to boot.

[Cruelworld]

An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband.

The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment.

Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in black, but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker
pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

And then he continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"

[geezarinho]

Death is a once in a lifetime experience

[Cruelworld]

My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice. "There's something I must confess." "Shhh" i said, there's nothing to confess...Everything's all right." "No I must die in peace. I ****ed your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!"

"I know," I whispered "That's why I poisoned you, you ****, now close your eyes"