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This is a discussion on Twas the month after Christmas within the Humour forums, part of the Off Topic category; Twas the month after Christmas, And all through the house, Nothing would fit me, Not even a blouse. The cookies ...
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10-02-10, 08:58 PM
| #1 |
| iPod Shuffle  Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 5
 | Twas the month after ChristmasTwas the month after Christmas, And all through the house, Nothing would fit me, Not even a blouse. The cookies I'd nibbled, The chocolate I'd taste At the holiday parties Had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales There arose such a number! When I walked to the store Less a walk than a lumber, I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The wine, champagne truffles, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please." As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt... I said to myself, as I only can, "You can't spend a Summer, disguised as a man!" So, away with the last of the sour cream dip. Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip. Every last bit of food that I like must be banished Till all the additional ounces have vanished. I won't have a cookie, not even a lick. I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie. I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore... But isn't that what January is for? Unable to giggle, no longer a riot. Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet. |
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10-02-10, 09:00 PM
| #2 |
| iPod Shuffle Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 5
| Yorkshire born, Yorkshire bred ...A Yorkshire guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and by chance is served by a Yorkshire barmaid. She takes his order for a pint of Tetley Bitter & notices his accent. Over the course of the evening, they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place and although she is attracted to him, she says no. He then offers to pay her £200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees The next night the guy turns up again, orders Tetley's and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for £200. She remembers the payout from the night before and is only too happy to agree This goes on for 5 nights, on the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Tetley's but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe, she can shake some more cash out of him So she goes over and sits next to him. she asks him where he's from in South Yorkshire. 'Mexborough,' he tells her. 'Soa am ah, wha' part?' She enquires. 'The ruwad ta Doncasta en' of tarn lass,' he replies. 'Tha' is amazing,' she says excitedly, 'soa am ah .. wha' street?' 'Sahth Street,' he replies. 'Tha' is unbelievable!' She says, her voice quivering. 'Wha' numba?' 'Numba 20' he replies. She is totally astonished. 'You are not goan beleev this,' she screams, 'but ah'm from numba 22! Uz parents still live theaar.' 'I know' he says, 'Your Dad gev uz £1,000 ta gi' ta thee.' HE WHO DRINKS YORKSHIRE, THINKS YORKSHIRE |
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10-02-10, 09:02 PM
| #3 |
| iPod Shuffle Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 5
|  PirateA pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." "Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?" "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them **** in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird ****." "It was my first day with the hook." |
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10-02-10, 09:03 PM
| #4 |
| iPod Shuffle Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 5
|  Coach tripThe Labour cabinet went off on a coach trip to Sandringham. While driving in the narrow lanes of Norfolk, the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local Bobby came lolloping along, saw the crashed bus and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. He told him he had buried them. The police officer said, "Cor blarst me! Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer, "It's loike this bor, some of 'em said they weren't but yew know what lying bastards politicians are." |
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10-02-10, 09:09 PM
| #5 |
| blah blah blah  Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Here
Posts: 17,866
  | have merged these "jokes" into the one thread, really no need to make separate ones.
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10-02-10, 09:11 PM
| #6 | |
| iPod 20gb  Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Surrey
Posts: 591
| Quote:
'I know' he says, 'Your Dad gev uz £1,000 ta gi' ta thee.' Can anyone translate? Oh and how kind of your articfox. You like be a moderator don't you? Last edited by wombleboy05; 10-02-10 at 09:12 PM.. | |
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10-02-10, 09:14 PM
| #7 |
| iPod 20gb  Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Doncaster
Posts: 435
| Your dad gave me £1000 to give to you. I'm from Doncaster 
__________________ Last edited by m_atty; 10-02-10 at 09:15 PM.. Reason: . |
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10-02-10, 09:16 PM
| #8 | |
| iPod 20gb Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Surrey
Posts: 591
| Quote:
Cheers. I should really understand as my family are from Yorkshire but I really do fail. Now I understand. | |
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