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Brilliant nerdy jokes...

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Old 09-09-09, 02:42 PM   #1
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Brilliant nerdy jokes...


An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.

***

A biologist, engineer and mathematician were having coffee on the patio.

Across the street they watch as two people walk into a house. A few minutes later, three people leave the house.

They start to discuss how that could happen.

Biologist: The two people copulated, reproduced and three people leave the house.

Engineer: That's wrong, our initial observation must have been erroneous.

Mathematician: You're both wrong. If another person enters the house it will be empty again.

***

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician agree to take part in an experiment. Each person is locked in a room with nothing but a single can of beans.

After three days the researchers open each door in turn. In the first room they find the physicist happily scrawling equations across a wall, and the can of beans is neatly popped open. They ask him how he opened the can and he says "Oh I applied pressure to the stress points".

They take their notes and move on to the next room, where the engineer is snoring in a corner. The can is lying beside him, a smashed pile of metal. They wake him and ask him how he opened the can, to which he replies "I battered it to it's failure point.

Finally, they open the third door. There they find the mathematician holding the can, rocking back and forth, and muttering, "Assume the can is open. Assume the can is open."

***

An engineer, a mathematician and a physicist are staying in the same hotel. A fire breaks out on the three floors they're on. The engineer wakes up, grabs the trash can, runs to the bathroom, fills the can and douses the flames before heading back to bed. The physicist wakes up and sees the fire. He grabs the notepad on the night-stand, determines the exact amount of water needed to put out the fire, collects that amount of water and puts out the fire. The mathematician wakes up, sees the fire and also grabs the notepad on his night-stand. He sits on the edge of his bed calculating the amount of water required to put out the fire. After a few moments, he stands up and shouts "A solution exists!" before going back to bed.

***

Three statisticians are at an archery range. The first shoots at the target and misses 10 meters to the left. The second misses 10 meters to the right. The third starts jumping up and down yelling "I hit it!."

***

A mathematician goes for an interview. Interviewer takes him to a room for the first test; there is a fire burning in one corner, a table in the middle of the room and a bucket of water on top of the table. Interviewer asks "what do you do"? Mathematician picks up the bucket of water from the table and douses the fire, putting it out. Interviewer says "very good" and takes the mathematician to a second room. There is a fire burning in one corner, a table in the middle of the room and a bucket of water underneath the table. Interviewer asks "now what do you do"?

Mathematician gives a smile, silently picks up the bucket of water and places it on top of the table.

***

A chemist, a biologist and a philosopher were the last three persons left alive on the planet.

They are all three standing on a beach. The philosopher says "I think I have to leave land to find a deeper meaning" and walks into the sea never to return.

The biologist says "All those sea creatures, so many that nobody has ever seen or imagined. I must see them" and walks into the sea never to return.

The chemist takes out his notebook and writes, Philosopher and biologist both soluble in water.

***

Einstein, Pascal, and Newton are playing hide and go seek. Einstein is counting while Newton and Pascal hide. Pascal runs off and hides while Newton doesn't move an inch. Instead, he draws a square around himself in the dirt. After Einstein finishes counting, he opens his eyes and says, "Found you Newton! That was easy."

Newton says, "No you didn't. You found Pascal." He points down to the square in the dirt. "One Newton per meter squared."

***

A farmer notices that all of his chickens are inexplicably dying with no apparent symptoms and hires a veterinarian, a biochemist, and a physicist to determine the cause of the deaths. The veterinarian comes back a week later and says, "I've examined all the chickens and can't figure out why they're dying." The biochemist comes back two weeks later and says, "I've run every test I know, but I still can't figure why the chickens are dying." The physicist comes back a month later with 20 pages of calculations and says, "I have a solution to your problem, but it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum."

***

A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer and a software engineer were driving a car down a mountain pass when the brakes start to go out. After frantically getting the car down the mountain and rolling it to a stop, all three engineers jump out.

The mechanical engineer starts jacking up the car to take the front wheels off. "The brake pads must be wore out", he says.

The electrical engineer pops open the hood. "There must be a loose connection here somewhere", he says.

The software engineer turns to the other two and says, "Let's drive it back up and see if the problem happens again."

***

A doctor, a priest, a lawyer, and an engineer go golfing. They end up playing behind a group of blind golfers. The doctor remarks, "I have a optometrist friend. I'll give him a call and see if he can help these guys." The priest says, "How unfortunate. I'll pray for these poor men." The lawyer ponders, "I wonder if they were injured? I could help them sue those responsible." The engineer exclaims, "Can't they f**king play at night?!"

***

A group of three variable equations walk into an airport bar:

The bouncer asks "You all together?"

The equations reply: "Yes, we all met on a plane."

***

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side.

***

Noah landed his ark and proclaimed to the animals, "Go forth and multiply". The snakes replied, "Sorry, we're adders." So Noah chopped up the ark and made a log table.

***

An Electrical engineer, a Mechanical engineer, and a Civil engineer sit at a table drinking beer on the side-walk outside of the local bar. A woman walks by and they all stare at her as she does. The Mechanical Engineer mutters "God must be a mechanical engineer, just look at the grace of movement, the structure, the pure mechanics of the human form" To this the electrical engineer takes offence and responds "No, no. God is an electrical engineer, think of all the electrical impulse required to run the entire body, let alone the mind, this is feat fare more impressive then the relatively simple mechanics of the body." The civil engineer just shrugs and says "You're both idiots. God is a civil engineer. Who else would put a recreation facility right next to a waste disposal plant?"

Last edited by omairt; 09-09-09 at 02:44 PM..
 
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Old 09-09-09, 02:52 PM   #2
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Quote:
A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer and a software engineer were driving a car down a mountain pass when the brakes start to go out. After frantically getting the car down the mountain and rolling it to a stop, all three engineers jump out.

The mechanical engineer starts jacking up the car to take the front wheels off. "The brake pads must be wore out", he says.

The electrical engineer pops open the hood. "There must be a loose connection here somewhere", he says.

The software engineer turns to the other two and says, "Let's drive it back up and see if the problem happens again."
This was my favourite!
 
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Old 09-09-09, 05:46 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by omairt View Post
Three statisticians are at an archery range. The first shoots at the target and misses 10 meters to the left. The second misses 10 meters to the right. The third starts jumping up and down yelling "I hit it!."
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